You’re getting ready for vacation. It’s supposed to be a relaxing break, finally, time off from work, house chores, and running errands. But, instead of feeling joy, you’re stressed to the max.
Now, let me be clear: this isn’t just the “normal” stress that’s common before a trip; this is
Panic!
Body tension
Feeling upset with yourself and your loved ones
Your biggest fear? That everything won’t be perfect. You don’t want your partner to be disappointed in you because you forgot to make dinner reservations. You don’t want the kids to be bored because that would mean you didn’t do a good job as a mom.
And so you think to yourself, “I just need to get it all right”!
This intense fear of disappointing others if things are not done perfectly is one way emotional trauma shows up in someone’s everyday life.
What is Emotional Trauma?
Similar to how physical trauma causes physical harm or injury, emotional trauma also causes harm to one’s emotional well-being. Over time, experiences of criticism, shame, or invalidation start to shape how someone sees themselves, others, and the world. These repeated experiences cause invisible wounds to the heart and soul.
6 signs of emotional trauma in adults
- Chronic overthinking or rumination
- The fear? “If I don’t think of every possible outcome, something bad will happen, and I won’t be prepared.”
- The result? Replaying conversations, second-guessing decisions, planning for worst-case scenarios, and worrying constantly. The thoughts feel uncontrollable and impossible to stop.
- Feeling like a burden
- The fear? If I say what I want or need, I’ll be too much. I might upset someone, and they may even choose to leave.
- The result? Defaulting to minimizing your needs, people-pleasing, and shrinking who you are to accommodate others
- Shutting down during conflict
- The fear? “I will make the other person mad. It feels too unsafe for me to continue asserting myself.”
- The result? Avoiding difficult conversations. You agree with the other person simply to remove all the tension in the room.
- Perfectionism
- The fear? “If it’s not perfect, it’s my fault. I caused this.”
- The result? A mistake feels like the end of the world. Anxiety and shame spike when thinking about others seeing you as flawed.
- Hyper-Independence
- The fear? “If I depend on someone else, I’m exposing vulnerability, that’s too risky.”
- The result? You have a hard time asking for help. You feel lonely despite having loved ones because you have learned to keep them at arm’s length, emotionally.
- Physical symptoms
- The fear? “It’s not safe to fully relax my body.”
- The result? Chronic fatigue, exhaustion, muscle tension, and an increase in stress hormones
Why Many Adults Don’t Realize They’re Traumatized: Was It Really That Bad?
Some people may be wondering, “If these experiences are considered emotional trauma, hasn’t everyone experienced some form of this at some point in their life? Where do we draw the line? Are we all victims of emotional trauma now?”
I get this thought process because I have grappled with it myself.
Here is what is important to understand. It’s not so much about the label, but the way “emotional trauma” impacts you in the now.
It’s about the protective parts that formed to help you survive then and are still trying to prevent traumatic experiences from repeating now.
I once asked a client, “What happens in your body when things don’t go perfectly”?
She thought about it for a brief minute and replied, “I feel like I can’t breathe”.
This response told me that her nervous system was struggling to tolerate the idea of being imperfect, aka “human”.
There was part of her that was constantly working overtime to ensure perfection in hopes that criticism could somehow be prevented.
However, since everything can’t always be perfect, another part would become activated. A part that carried memories of being shamed and criticized when she made a mistake.
The panic she was feeling today was not a response to the current situation; it was what we call a trauma response.
She was responding to the danger of:
- Receiving the silent treatment for hours, maybe even days
- Being called “dumb” for making a mistake
- Being made to feel like it was all her fault
This is because trauma does not just live in our memories; it lives in our bodies.
Even when a situation in front of us, such as getting ready for a vacation, is not actually dangerous, our nervous system reacts as if it is facing a threat.
Trauma researcher Bessel A. van der Kolk explains this well in The Body Keeps the Score:
“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (p. 97)
Read More About The Body Keeps the Score
So you see, it’s not about being “too sensitive”; it’s about scanning for emotional threats to survive.
If you resonated with any of these signs, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. You aren’t “too sensitive”. You have just learned to scan for emotional threats and prevent them at any cost.
Can Emotional Trauma in Adults be Healed?
Adults can heal from emotional trauma. Depending on the complexity and duration of the trauma, healing may take time, but it is possible.
Understanding The Journey of Healing
We often envision healing as this beautiful destination. Almost as if there will be a moment where the darkness will turn into light.
But healing is not a destination
It’s a journey
And it is not linear
There are emotionally painful moments
There is grief
There is a loss of who you thought you were
There may be shifts in relationships that are no longer serving you
There is a lot of discomfort
It’s also very normal to take a few steps forward and a couple of steps back. This happens because repeated emotional trauma has made your nervous system accustomed to operating from a place of danger and protection.
Teaching your nervous system that you are safe now, especially as an adult, takes time, compassion, and support.
Therapy for Emotional Trauma
When adult clients come to therapy, they rarely say “I have emotional trauma”.
What they do say is:
- “I have anxiety.”
- “I can’t relax.”
- “I blow up over little things.”
- “I’m really hard on myself.”
- “I feel disconnected from myself.”
As more adults become open to the idea of therapy, they are starting to see that the unhelpful behavioral patterns, relationship issues, and symptoms of depression and anxiety that they have been experiencing may have, in fact, been caused by past or still present emotional trauma.
They realize that yes, it was bad, and thankfully, there is something I can do about it.
Remember that working with a therapist trained in trauma is key.
As a trauma therapist and someone who has walked the walk, I can tell you that it will be very beneficial to your healing journey if you find a therapist with whom you feel emotionally safe.
Find someone who has appropriate training in treating complex trauma
Someone who “gets you”.
This helps make the journey feel safer and more rewarding.
If you have been pushing through pain, but are tired in a way that sleep or rest can’t fix, feel free to reach out for a free 20-minute consultation to see if we would be a good fit.
Two Key Things to Remember
No matter where you are in your journey, there are two key things to remember:
- Healing does not mean forgetting what happened or never being triggered. It simply means you are no longer stuck in patterns that were born out of protection and pain
- Your story matters. You matter.
About the Author and Founder of Rise Mental Health
“Saveen is an exceptional counselor with strong trauma therapy experience. She connects deeply across cultures and brings insight, intuition, and compassion to her work, helping clients feel understood and supported in meaningful ways“.
— Professional Colleague and Licensed Therapist – See professional endorsements here
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